By GalTime Dating Diva, Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D.
Have you spent too long trying to make Mr. Wrong fall in love with you? You know the guy- the one you’re always pursuing because he forever seems to be just out of reach.
Sadly, many singles squander away time pursuing a relationship that has no future, when they could be busy finding real love. But the drama of being on an emotional roller coaster with a Commitment-Phobe can be a tad addicting, luring you in with juicy highs, and the hope that maybe underneath it all he could be The One.
So, how can you tell when you’re wasting your time? When the guy you’re dating has no intention of committing to you?
The bottom line is that when two people really like each other, they automatically enact the Principle of Equal Investment. In other words, both partners invest equal amounts of time, energy, and emotion.
Check out these tell-tale signs that his investment isn’t up to par, as well as what to do about it.
1. YOU ALWAYS REACH OUT FIRST
If you’re always beating him to an email, text, or call- then you’re extending more effort. If you waited to reach out, would it be a few days, a week, 2 weeks before you heard from him? You better find out!
SOLUTION: Give Him Space
The more you pursue a commitment-phobe, the more they withdraw. So, wait for him to make contact first. When he does reach out, don’t jump to connect- take your time returning his message.
Related: How Do I Know If I'm In a Committed Relationship?
2. HE MAKES LAST MINUTE PLANS
A commitment-phobe likes to keep his options open, so he typically only initiates plans with you at the last minute. Sure, he might agree to something you’ve planned sooner- but he won’t make that move himself.
SOLUTION: Make Your Own Plans
When you have a full life of fun, you’ll be less needy and more attractive. So make your own plans with friends and never change them just to be with him. If he really wants to spend time with you, he’ll learn to schedule time sooner. Let him pursue you.
Related: A Woman Proposing to a Man: Ridiculous or Modern?
3. YOU'RE AN OUTSIDER TO HIS WORLD
When a guy isn’t ready to commit, he’ll keep you separate from his world of work, friends, and family. If you’ve been dating more than 6 weeks and haven’t met anyone important to him yet, he’s clearly unsure if you belong in his life.
SOLUTION: Invite Yourself In
When he does call, say you’d love to meet his friends. Offer to set up a friendly group date- with some of your friends and his. When a guy really wants to be with you, he’ll want to show you off! If he balks- it’s a sign he’s not right for you.
Related: Everyday Guy: Why Men Are Afraid of Commitment
4. YOU'RE SKATING ON THE SUPERFICIAL SURFACE
Does your man still feel like a stranger? That’s because this guy isn’t ready to invite you into his inner life. If you have to pry his deeper thoughts and feelings out of him, then he’s not choosing to connect on an authentic level.
SOLUTION: Share Your Vision
When two people click, it’s natural for them to talk about their vision for the future- their hopes, fears, and dreams for a better life. So bring up your own wishes, you don’t have to talk about the future of the relationship. If he doesn’t get engaged with this conversation, it’s a clear sign he’s not invested in you yet.
If after stepping back and trying these tips for up to a month, your guy still isn’t filling that space by connecting more deeply and regularly with you, then it’s time to move on to a guy who values you as much as you value them!
What do you think? Should people just 'get there' in their own time? Are there other red flags you should look for that it's time to turn and run?
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