By Michelle Yarn, GalTime.com
Let me just start by saying I love my husband dearly. We've been a couple for eight years and married for almost three. It still feels like we're newlyweds and I wouldn't trade married life for anything. We really don't have big blowout fights very often. I can probably count our major arguments on one hand. But we certainly aren't perfect and we bicker like any other couple. So I'm just going to throw this out there — a recent argument I had with the hubby got me thinking. Men, I want you to give me the honest truth (especially since the web gives you the power of anonymity.) And ladies, I want to know if this stuff happens in your relationship as well.
Oh, and for the sake of fairness, I’ve given my husband the chance to chime in.
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SHE SAID:
The main problem behind our argument is a pretty common one for couples — household duties. My hubby is pretty good about helping out around the house. But it drives me nuts that it's usually only done halfway. For example, doing laundry usually means putting the load in the wash and then forgetting it there until it gets that "smell" and has to be washed again when I find it a few days later. Or if the clothes do make it to the dryer, they then sit in the dryer for days until they're completely wrinkled and have to be dried again and then folded (the worst part, right?!) by me. Doing the dishes usually means filling up the sink with soapy water and leaving all the dishes in it to "soak"... for days! When he empties the dishwasher, I always know because half of the pots and pans and random kitchen accessories are still sitting on the counter top for me to put away. Making the bed usually consists of just throwing all the pillows on the bed and spreading out the comforter (whether it's sideways, upside down, or the sheets are still crumpled and twisted underneath.)
My husband cooks the best breakfasts. Bacon, eggs, and English muffins galore. But if the bacon grease is flying all over the counters and burning him and I simply say, "Hey there are grease covers in the drawer under the oven," he gets upset because I'm "telling him what to do and always pointing out what he does wrong." Funny, because in my head I'm only trying to help because I know he doesn't know where most of our kitchen stuff is (since he leaves it all out on the counters instead of putting it away.)
Now I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Wow, what a nag," but from my perspective I just don't see the point in starting these things if they aren't going to be finished. It will often times just create more work and take more time correcting/finishing for him. Also, I'm not one of those super anal retentive people. Honestly, I'm not! I just like a clean home. I usually let all these things go unnoticed, because if I try to help or suggest easier options it makes him defensive. There’s really no malice behind any of it!
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HE SAID:
First off, thanks to my wife for letting me tell my side of the story here. I agree with everything she wrote about me above. I have forgotten laundry and I make a bit of a mess when I cook, and frankly I am less organized and a little more absent minded than my beautiful wife.
But let’s get to the discussion last night as you read above. I do not do as many household duties these days and one of the main reasons why is I am frustrated with hearing that when I do help out, I am doing something wrong.
Here are some examples. It drives me nuts to be sitting there folding laundry with my wife only to be shown the “correct” or “best” way to do it. I mean, to me, I honestly don’t care if the T-shirt is even folded in the first place. I am making the effort to fold because I know she does not like me cramming my own clothes in a drawer… even though we have separate dressers. So, when we do fold, now I try and only fold my stuff, because I’m sure she is just going to re-do hers anyway.
I leave pots and pans on the counter now because she is the one who can never find where I put them when she goes to cook something. So, I leave it on the counter to avoid being asked, “Why would you put that there?!”
I don’t spend too much time making the bed look nice for a few reasons, 1.) We're going to mess it up sleeping in it in a few hours anyway and 2.) I don’t know how to set up the pillows correctly ("Along Came Polly" anyone?).
I just feel like it’s a double edged sword. I’m screwed when I do help because I am going to hear some way I did it wrong and double screwed when I don’t help at all. I’d just like to say that any comments left in my favor will be awarded 10 bazillion dollars.
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In the end, I really don't care how he folds the clothes, I'd just like to see them folded and put away every now and then! And really, we only have a few cabinets; you would know where a pan goes by simply opening a few of the cabinet doors. When you see other pans, you've found your spot! Also, I couldn't care less what order the pillows are in on the bed. It would just be nice to see them at the head of the bed, in any order!
To me, it just seems like he uses the "I don't want to do it wrong" as an excuse not to do it at all. I feel like the only time I complain or say anything is when I'm frustrated because it's not done. Yet he says it's not done because I will always complain or say something. It's a vicious cycle people!
In the grand scheme of things I know this isn't an earth shattering problem to have. I actually consider us a lucky couple since this is seriously the worst thing going on in our relationship. But it's been on my mind and I'm thinking I can't be the only woman with this going on. So, help me out here:
Ladies, do you have issues similar to these? Have you and your partner worked out a solution? And men, what's the deal here? In all honesty, are you not doing things because you think it will be done incorrectly (and you care so much that they're done right you'd rather leave it alone all together?) Or is this just an easy out from the household chores?
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